Kiss My Aster

The Lemon Bar

post lemon bar
post lemon bar

There’s this fancy pants garden center here in Chicago. I like it there, I can’t really afford to be a shopper but sometimes I have to go to pick something up for work.

I had to go in the midst of the reallllly busy period a few summers ago and I knew it was going to be a 2-ring circus in there. I hadn’t eaten all day… and it was near 3pm…so I stopped quickly at the bakery across the street and jammed a lemon bar in my face. It was the best thing that happened to me all day.

So, I made it to the garden center and was greeted immediately with an insanely happy face, nervously asking me how I could be helped. My boss has  already called ahead of me and procured the 10 white Mandevillas I needed. She told me to go in and ask for Bob and all would be taken care of. They are sequestered in a hold area and everything. The whole experience should take 10 minutes or less.

So I ask for Bob, speak of the Mandevillas and then all hell breaks loose.
They ask, “Why would Bob handle a call about Mandevillas? He’s in hardscaping!” over and over. They are freaking out about it.  And the guy helping me goes to scout about the whole place looking for Bob and the Mandevillas….

While I’m waiting, an even more insanely happy face nervously asks me if I’d like help. But he does it like this….
“It’s a GRRRRREAT day at Garden Center X! How may I help you???”
And I’m about to show him my WWF moves because I just wanna get out of there.I’m hot and tired, not there to shop and I have miles to go before I sleep.

They are all,  “what’s up with this crazy woman?” and I don’t know why. Wouldn’t it be refreshing to have someone come in, get what they want and then just leave them alone?

I explain that I’m on the hunt for some Mandevillas and he says that he will look too, but why don’t I shop around and take a look at all the AWESOME stuff they have?
I think he saw my eyes roll under my dark sunglasses.

Finally they get my Mandevillas, it was John, not Bob that I was looking for (My boss made a mistake) and I make it to the check out.

Now the checkout guy is hassling me because I’m not on the list of people authorized to buy from our company. It’s getting late, I’m hot and now I’d like more actual food to eat….I snap and say “Do you want me to buy them or not? and he cowers and checks me out. While making a huge fuss about my tattoo…

Get ready for the punch line…..

I get back to the truck and look in the rear view mirror to back up and…
I have powdered sugar ALL OVER MY FACE.

They were clearly tailing me because they thought I was on a coke-crazed romp through the fancy garden center!

The end.

View Comments


  1. JoanWeed 06/27/2012

    Amanda I think I know the garden center you speak of. I get overwhelmed there. Though I live in VT I sometimes order things from this center for our Chicago family's garden. Your story was hilarious!

  2. KissMyAster 06/28/2012

    Thanks, Joan!

  3. andrewkeys 06/28/2012

    HILARIOUS. Next time, you can just mess with them on purpose, and still have a lemon bar...

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